REALITY REEL MEDIA MARCH 30, 2005
The Bachelor: Keeping It Real In The Bachelor Hood
The Bachelor: The Bachelor: Keeping It Real In The Bachelor Hood
Well, I’m glad ABC was able to help this big, hunky, oversized
kid, Charlie O’Connell, get back into the dating scene — that
is after dumping his girlfriend to land The Bachelor role so he could
find another girlfriend (this, web gossip). That’s a nice thing.
Sweet. It’s almost as teeth-achingly sweet as finding out that
this here Charlie’s dream growing up was to be a “member of
the A-Team” or that he wanted to be a Ninja; or that he took up
fencing because his mother wanted more productive focus from her son’s
pubescent sword fighting. I suppose after hitting rock bottom with purported
princes of business and society, the producers of The Bachelor felt
it was time to start all over again with, well, rock bottom. At least
the guy has got a rich actor brother. At least he like’s women
with “spunk.”
By David W. Taylor
Reality Reel Media
03.30.05
Charlie: “I’m a real guy looking for a real girl.”
This newest incarnation of ABC’s The Bachelor is certainly not
your father’s The Bachelor — it is hardly recognizable as
any of the preceeding televised journeys into relationship miasma (with
the noted exception of Trista). There is not the slightest pretense
of lofty matrimonial pursuits tugging at the heartstrings of either
Mr. Charlie O’Connell or any of the assorted vamps who have arrived
to shimmy and sthingy there way into his aching, deserving groin. No,
this is all meat-market oogling and all about finding somebody to “have
fun” with, you know... let’s “hook up!” I think
there were two hazy, flimsy allusions to possible long-term sentiments,
though I’m probably wrong (jaded?), expressed by Charlie... one
being that he was feeling that he should “start to think about
settling down” and that “starting a family and living in Montauk
(Long Island) would be just great.” There were no mentions of specific
time-frames — or metrosexually inclined biological clocks —
or whether these were realistic goals he yearned for in the near term,
or whatever. It sure sounded like these were phantom pursuits that might
be attained within the, oh, next ten years or so. He certainly can’t
be called rash.
Charlie: “I’ve dated lots of girls... I’ve dated them
all.”
And gone, stripped-bare, were all the tuxedos, limosines, clinking
of champagne flutes, gowns, and, yes, courtly manners; any sliver of
formality. The very aura and rhythm of traditional dating was —
even as tactlessly as it was presented beforehand — decimated out-of-hand
and replaced with the hip-hop ghetto version of “keeping it real”
in the Bachelor hood. Charlie’s raiment and ensemble consisted
of mainly t-shirt and jeans, messed-up hair, a scrunching grin, and
a dazed look like he just got woken up from an all-nighter. Following
suit, the first look The Bachelor had of his 25 tarts was through a
hastily thrown together batch of two minute heats of “Rapid Dating,”
with the gals showing up in bikinis and bras and skimpy towel skirts,
and lots of cleavage and skin and coy displays of coyly hidden tattoos.
The first group date was to — in Charlie’s words — a
“dive bar” to play pool. The second date was to another “dive
bar” to dance, get drunk and conduct a body shot. Man, we sure
have come a long way since Alex, ajitter in his tux. This is The NeoBachelor.
Charlie: “Hugh Hefner handles seven! I handled nine!”
But nothing takes the cake as our Bachelor himself. Chris Harrison
asked us to “embarce the life of one very special eligible bachelor.
This Bachelor is no ordinary guy. So, natually, he didn’t want
to do just an ordinary Bachelor program.” Yep, this guy is special
alright... Chris describes him as a Real Estate Investor (read: actor-brother
buys him property), and a Champion Fencer (we later learn he WAS a fencer,
like when a kid), and has even “done some acting” (read: bit
parts courtesy of Jerry O’Connell/actor-brother). This guy has
such a barren, whimpy resume that when he’s repeatedly asked about
his activities and daily interests it is all centered around sports
or watching sports on televsion. For sure, this really is no “ordinary
guy.” What “ordinary guy” makes it his living to sponge-off
his rich actor-brother? I mean I guess I would if I could but I don’t
have one. That makes me just ordinary, damnit! So what can one do but
push back the gurgling vomitus when Charlie describes a typical weekend
(when in L.A., of course): “I play golf on Saturday... watch football
on Sunday on a perfect weekend... because on a perfect weekend, football
would be playing.” The erudite woman who was listening to all this
woe related her own weekend haunts to Charlie: a visit to an “art
gallery,” “shopping,” going to “museums” and
the “symphony.” Charlie raised his bushy eyebrows and uttered,
“I could see doin’ all that stuff. That’s cool.”
What is even more hilarious is that the gal accepted his rose! Right
there on the spot. Ha! You can show him what Biscotti is!
Charlie: “I’m not a rocket scientist.”
But keeping it real is what this guy (and the new The Bachelor) is
all about. He may not be a “rocket scientist” — in his
own words! eureka! — and have dyslexia (letters, not numbers) but
he averages himself out by being brutally honest and pedestrian about
his romantic intentions whereas Alex, Aaron, Bob Guiney, Jessie and
the rest were just aristocratic corporate raiders and poetic charlatans
leering atop martimony’s sacred altar. Charlie’s just looking
to find someone who’s “cool,” “down to earth,”
“fun” (big factor this “fun” thing), “exciting,”
“nice,” for “good times,” “fun,” “laughs.”
Charlie describes himself as “I’m honest, I’m nice, I
like to laugh.” He tells his parents that “I’m looking
for a nice, fun, girl who likes to laugh and has a good personality.”
Just prior to the “Rapid Dating,” Charlie says he looking
for someone “who is fun and exciting.” He tells Siomara, he’s
“looking for someone to have fun with.” Just before his third
group date Charlie says, “I’m looking for a little spunk,
a little fun.” In his most ambitous and rambling statement on relationships
over the entire two hours he said, “I’m looking for love.
I think that’s more important than anything. It makes you happy.
It makes the day go by easier. It makes life better.” Geez, how
much easier does he want his day to be? (Earth to Charlie: Love will
only complicate your days! Like a huge, terryifying maze.) Is this guy
for real? I suppose with no income to fret over, or job hassles, and
nothing more exhausting for one’s brain than deciding which coastal
retreat you want to watch football in... life IS real simple. Maybe
Chris is totally right: “He’s built the ultimate life for
himself.” God Bless Him.
Charlie: ‘She’s fun... I like her.”
I have to give Charlie kudos, however, for keeping on little Kara,
the single mother with the nine-year-old daugther. That is a first,
I think, in Bachelor history. Usually, it’s “thank you for
being so honest” with the routine jaw-clenching and eye-widening
stare, and then the boot. But Charlie shocked me. I don’t know
whether he just wants to find out what the hell she did in “Vegas”
that had to “stay in Vegas” or what, but it was a nice move.
Maybe he just forgot about the kid? Hey! He’s busy! Another big
slap on the back for putting that priggish snob Danushka, the Model,
in her rightful place at the newly Jerry Springerized “Rose Ceremony.”
Called her a “big shot” for wearing dark glasses! A more decadent,
nihilistic shrew I have rarely encountered. More high-fives for outing
that screwy, though mouth-watering, swim suit model, Kristine, who told
him later than she was only a part-time swim suit model and also a private
investigator for the government; also, an ex-TV producer. Wow, next
thing... she’ll try to sell him a time-share. And she already loved
him too, for his big “heart.” Good move Charlie. You’re
OK.
Charlie: “She’s hot!”
His Big Crush is on Sarah W. who seems nice enough and just his speed.
She’s kind of a girl Charlie: she described one incident where
she, whatever!, desperate for an adrenaline rush and having sworn-off
coffee, takes to roller-blading down a steep hill by her home and gets
injured. I guess I understand it but it’s kinda dopey and oddball.
Charlie gets it though. And he likes blondes. And even though I like
brunettes, I’ll be for sure watching this flaming turkey crash
into Bachelor oblivion. Like Charlie, I’m sure millions of men
want to “find a girl I can stick with and deal with.” Immortal
words. And Real. Hey, who needs Shakespeare?
Article obtained from realityreel.com
